We Have Some Questions About Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina Candle

Professional actress-turned-businesswoman Gwyneth Paltrow released an already sold out candle last Friday, playfully named “This Smells Like My Vagina”. The notes include geranium, citrusy bergamot, cedar, Damask rose, and ambrette seed. The blend is meant to amount to the aroma of the actress’ very rich and powerful vag. Additionally, Goop describes it as “a funny, gorgeous, sexy, and beautifully unexpected scent.”

While it’s nice to see lady parts getting good press, we have a few questions about the $75 votive. Below, 30 pressing questions that need answers. We’re very much open to it, we just want to explore more.

  1. What does a vagina smell like exactly?
  2. Was Kyle from 11th grade accurate about vaginal smell?
  3. Will my OBGYN, by law, now have to light this candle in her office?
  4. When in Gwyneth’s cycle was this crafted?
  5. If I light the candle every day will Gwyneth and I get on the same cycle?
  6. Has this candle explored the many birth control options available to it?
  7. Would Rihanna be open to creating a competitor candle?
  8. What role did the Jade Egg play in this?
  9. Would this vagina be more of a pad or tampon candle?
  10. When did this vagina first go into the bathroom with a pocket mirror and look at itself?
  11. If you play with the wick too much will it fall off?
  12. Does it wear underwear to bed?
  13. Should you use your fingers or your mouth to blow it out?
  14. If baths are bad for your vagina, is this candle also somehow not compatible for lighting during baths?
  15. Does each candle look the same?
  16. Does it drink pineapple to change its notes?
  17. Why did a shipment of these just show up addressed to my puberty-addled brother?
  18. Has this candle explored the many birth control options available to it?
  19. Does this candle burn brighter when placed on a running washing machine?
  20. Will men be able to find the wick?
    1. Hoo-ha!

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