Rep. Maxine Waters Already Told You So


Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.


First of all, you’re welcome. Rep. Maxine Waters told you; she’s been telling you; Maxine Waters was the first one out in these streets ringing the impeachment bell like a Salvation Army volunteer outside a mall trying to collect votes to save the nation. And, oh look, what do we have here on this day? Two years after she was showed up on the scene of this national disaster like a first responder? Impeachment. Hm. I said HM!!!

Last night the House voted along party lines to approve to articles of impeachment against the supporting character from Netflix’s The Irishman who is currently squatting in the White House. Many legislators from both sides (right and wrong) took the opportunity to speak as they debated what was already a largely forgone conclusion. Not all of those speeches were worth the government computer paper they were printed on, like the one Republican representative who called for a moment of silence for the 63 million people who voted for Donald Trump as if they were all suddenly Raptured.

First of all, it was 62.98 million and 65 million voted for Hillary Clinton and moments of silence are reserved for the dead and if any of y’alls disastrous holiday dinner table arguments are an indication, these people are still around, so this whole thing can go right in the compost bin. But thanks for playing. Don’t forget to stir the bin.

As was fervently hope for (by me and everyone I know), Rep. Maxine Waters rose toward the close of the day to give remarks and surgically snatch everyone in the room bald, like a reverse Hairclub for Men. And honey, I’m not just the founder, I’m also a client!

What did we ever do to deserve Rep. Maxine Waters, who rolled up on the podium like a winter squall and shut the whole place down while, in a stunning defeat of the laws of physics, also lifting it up.

“Ladies and gentlemen, unfortunately the rules of debate won’t allow me to cite all of the reasons that this president should be impeached,” she said by way of introduction! She hadn’t even finished adjusting the mic and already I was laid out across the floor light as feather, stiff as a board, just waiting on that Trump voter Rapture to take me next. She didn’t even have her glasses on and yet she had commenced to read. She was like, “Oh, I know this one by heart.”

I love that Rep. Waters has huge “What You’re Not Going To Do” energy. As in, what we’re not going to do is telling Maxine Waters what she can and cannot talk about in this place on this day. She’s like, “First of all, it’s a privilege to hear me speak so congratulations. Second of all, I was the first legislator to call for impeachment and what are we doing right now? Impeaching, so what’s really good?” What y’all need to be doing is asking Maxine Waters for the lottery numbers because it’s clear she sees the future better than anyone by Marty McFly. With or without the glasses.

Waters then proceeded to read from a sheaf of printed pages with the righteous indignation of Samuel L. Jackson quoting the Bible in Pulp Fiction while every Republican stood around like this:

Waters jumped in to her excoriating read of Donald Trump with a Maya Angelou quote. Honestly, when you’re so bad that people are pulling out Dr. Angelou’s words to tear you up, I’d say that’s a rap on you, pal. Rolling up on a debate like “As Mother Theresa once said, ‘Ya basic.'”

While Waters’ words are, as usual, incisive, take-no-prisoners barbs, the real stars here are her hands, which punctuate Every. Single. Word. like she’s a maestro conducting a complaint choir. Call it Mr. Holland’s And I Oop-us.

Those red nails did not come to play with y’all!

And when they’re not slicing through the air like a Dr. Strange performing a shade spell, Waters’ hands are put to good use turning the pages of her speech at ever-increasing speeds, like she’s reading sheet music for a “I Am the Very Model of a Modern Major Gentleman” in the most intense production of Pirates of Penzance you’ve ever seen in your whole damn life.

Oh, to be those pages! She really sat down at her computer, fired up Microsoft Word, and was like “HOLD ON TO YOUR HAT, CLIPPY!” And Clippy, the little paperclip that has been toiling away helping you lie about your Excel capabilities on resumes for years, showed up wearing a military helmet and little red reading glasses like “I have waited my whole life for this moment! Say it with your whole chest, ma’am!”

Suddenly Clippy is smoking a cigar she lit off of the burning embers of an Excel formula that went horribly wrong and cackling.

Waters turned the pages with the righteous power of the narrator in a Christmas pageant who is taking a sharp turn into social justice this year. The narrator’s like “Well, the first thing you need to know is that Mary and Joseph were refugees seeking asylum and Herod was a power-mad adult persecuting a child so think about that. Anyway, here’s ‘Carol of the Bells.'”

The speech takes a turn which, thankfully, resulted in my death and resurrection, at the 1:15 second mark, as she recounts Trump’s withholding of military assistance to Ukraine and then caps it by… okay, actually, I have to break it down into parts or else I’m going to hyperventilate.

    1. I mean, do we need a Senate trial at this point? No one has been dismissed as decisively as Waters just dismissed Trump with this three-step gesture. Any one of these actions would fell most of us.

      The scowl? I would not survive. That’s the look that you will definitely see next week when your favorite aunt comes over to your parents house and sees that they’re still using those damn charger plates she hates so much.

      The swat of the hand! Like Trump is a fly buzzing around the potato salad. Begone with you!

      AND THE WORDS. “Another!” a gentle reminder that he’s not new to this and neither is she; “blatant!” like “what don’t you see here?”; and “abuse of power!” like the charges they’re about to drop on him like he’s the Wicked Witch of the East. Case closed! Gavel gavel gavel!

      From here, Rep. Waters, her words, and her glorious hands ramp up to a full-throated fervor that had me shouting. “History will remember those who were willing to speak truth to power,” she said definitively, taking a second to stunt on all those who laid down in the road for Trump to roll over them with a gas-guzzling SUV. Then she turned her sights on those same people and, with a pointed finger, declared, “YES I CALLED FOR TRUMP’S IMPEACHMENT EARLY!” Also known as the “I said what I said!”

      “This is our country,” she continued. “Our foremothers and our forefathers shed their blood to build and defend this democracy! I refuse to have it undermined.” The gavel starts banging signaling that someone, somewhere thinks her time is up, as if all time does not belong to Maxine Waters. She is at the tippy-top of her sermon, though, and she’s going to finish before they pass the offering plate.

      “I wholeheartedly support this resolution. I’m proud that in the final analysis, justice will have been served in America and Donald Trump will have been impeached!” Rep. Maxine Waters then slammed her binder shut and stalked off the floor as the sounds of applause filled the chamber and my soul ascended directly to heaven.

      My face after hearing Rep. Waters’ speech:



      The icecaps are melting, let’s not mince words: She’s over it. She. Has. Had. It. What has she had?

      Instead of a eulogy, when I pass, please have Maxine Waters come to the front of the church and read a list of grievances, past, present, and future, while furiously turning the pages and reminding everyone gathered that she is, has been, and always will be a real one and they are lucky to be in her presence, even though she is totally through with all of them.

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