Loud Person Has Bad Idea


Eric Reads The News is a daily humor column which skewers politics, pop culture, celebrity, shade, and schadenfreude.


Flimflam man Harold Hill stopped by the daily White House propaganda hour today to inform the American people that they had trouble with a capital T and that rhymes with B and that stands for not enough bleach in your veins.

Yes, that’s right, the person who refuses to wear a protective face mask has an opinion about how you should stay healthy. President Donald Trump, world’s loudest Facebook comment, piggybacked on research that showed exposure to sunlight and to disinfectant would kill coronavirus by saying the very first thing that came into his mind. And that thing just happened to be, “Why don’t we just put sunlight into our bodies? Problem solved!” Trump seems unaware that injecting massive amounts of UV rays into the blood is not how you kill a virus; it’s how you make an Avenger.

Here is an actual quote from our reality: “So, supposing we hit the body with a tremendous—whether it’s ultraviolet or just very powerful light—and I think you said that hasn’t been checked but you’re going to test it,” Trump said, fully embracing being the uncle at the barbecue who brought his own tinfoil. Any sentence that begins with “supposing we…” doesn’t have a high chance of winning a Nobel Prize.

Trump later turned to Dr. Birx, who looked very much like she wanted to be excluded from this narrative, and startled noodling about advancements in the area of disinfecting the body. “And then I see the disinfectant that knocks it out in a minute, one minute,” he said. “And is there a way we can do something like that by injecting inside or almost a cleaning. As you see it gets in the lungs and it does a tremendous number so it would be interesting to check that. You’re going to have to use medical doctors but it sounds interesting to me.”

Aw man, what a great closing sentence: the president made up a cockamamie theory, clarified that one should use “medical doctors” as opposed to himself who is, uh, not a doctor, and then had the audacity to say “it sounds interesting to me” as if he’d never heard the theory and was exercising cautious optimism. The president made a sound and then said the sound that he made sounded interesting to him. The call is coming from inside the house and the house is empty!

I guess it stands to reason that an administration that has built its entire platform on making America more white would eventually pivot straight to Clorox.

Who would have thought that when he said Make America Great Again he meant “make it an old West town where the height of medical science was a mysterious tonic made with opium and a little bit of rattlesnake venom”? Donald Trump was like “Say there fella, spit in yer palm and then stare straight into the sun and everything that ails ya will perish in your blood!” Meanwhile the sun is out here like “OMG please do not do that.”

Because networks insist on carrying the daily briefings live as if they are actual news, the president’s rumination spread faster than the actual science-based information. (there’s a metaphor there but I’m too tired to figure it out; haven’t taken my rattlesnake venom today!) On Friday, the maker of Lysol had to issue a clear disclaimer which didn’t directly mention the president but seemed to reference his comments.

Due to recent speculation and social media activity, RB (the makers of Lysol and Dettol) has been asked whether internal administration of disinfectants may be appropriate for investigation or use as a treatment for coronavirus (SARS-CoV-2). As a global leader in health and hygiene products, we must be clear that under no circumstance should our disinfectant products be administered into the human body (through injection, ingestion or any other route).

Lysol is like “I can’t believe I have to say this but…”

The president is the human embodiment of a chain letter, but one of those chain letters that’s rife with typos and requires a lot of work for absolutely no reward and that promises to kill you if you don’t pass it on. Anyway, wear a mask outside, stay at home, bleach your handle not your hand, and don’t forget your daily dose of rattlesnake venom!

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