If you live alone and are staying put for Thanksgiving this year, here are some quick, easy and delicious recipes for one that are so good, you won’t miss eating with your family at all.
First up salty wine: a delicious boozy cocktail that will help you get through this lonely, desperate holiday. All you need is a bottle of wine and a small glass of your own tears!
To get enough tears, just think for a moment about how you might never get to see your loved ones again, because the future is a pitch, black unknowable abyss. Pour the wine and then the tears into a glass. Shake it up and ta da, your sweet salty boozy drink is ready to jug.
Solo Mashed Potatoes
Now let’s move on to side dishes. No Thanksgiving meal is complete without mashed potatoes. Generally mashed potatoes are made with potatoes, butter, cream, salt, and pepper, but this solo mashed potatoes recipe is a lot quicker. You need one raw potato and one large hammer. Put the potato on a table and hammer at it until it’s completely unrecognizable. Then put it into a coffee mug, add a little water, microwave for five minutes and voila, your mashed potato is served.
Simple Flat Bread
Every meal needs bread. For your solo Thanksgiving, why not bake a simple flat bread that will take you no time at all? It’s called letter to your family about how COVID is real. You just need a pen and a piece of paper. First preheat the oven to 450. Then take out your pen and write a letter to your parents who don’t think COVID is real to tell them it’s super irresponsible that they’re having a big Thanksgiving meal today with all of your family and they need to get tested. Then realize they’re not going to listen to you no matter what you say and put the letter in the oven for 10 minutes at 450. When it comes out, it will be a completely harmless pile of ash.
Now we’re at the main dish of our solo Thanksgiving celebration, the turkey. A whole Turkey is obviously too much for one person and even a single Turkey breast is pushing it. A much better turkey recipe for one is trash turkey. Trash Turkey only has one ingredient, desperation. All you need to do is go out in the alley behind your house on Thanksgiving night and listen to see which neighbor has a lot of people over, suggesting they cooked a big Thanksgiving feast. Then find their trash can and route through it until you find the Turkey remains. Grab them, then find a dark hidden place and tear off as much sweet Turkey flesh as possible with your teeth.
Squeezed Pumpkin Pie
Finally, it’s not Thanksgiving without pumpkin pie. So for dessert, take a handful of sugar, pour a bit of orange juice on it and then shove it down your wretched maw.
Hope these recipes helped you prepare for your solo holiday. Have a happy Thanksgiving!
Tamara Yajia, Grace Thomas & Darren Miller